I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
