Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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