i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
