I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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