It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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