dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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