Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
