Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
