I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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