Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
