My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
