I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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