i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
