She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
