I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
