Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
