did you get engaged???
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
