Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
