Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
