i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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