hotel room ftw
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
