I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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