I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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