I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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