false alarm. still invincible.
this boner is exhausting
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
