Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
