Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
