i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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