Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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