My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
