Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Let's get the cat blown out
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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