His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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