Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth

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(206): View more from Washington

got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

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(314): View more from Missouri

Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.

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(310): View more from California

First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang

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