I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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