Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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