Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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