Who wears a wallet chain?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
