I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My dad just said "fuck circus"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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