I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
