I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's never too late to be topless.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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