i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
