found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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