it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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