I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
