Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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