Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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