Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
