I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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