I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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