you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
