I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
