I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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