I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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