So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
