I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
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