i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
