Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
