she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
