some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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