I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
