I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
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I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
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so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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