Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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